Tonight.

So tonight Frankie, Darla, and I were swimming in the spa, and I tell Darla that we should go back to my house and watch our childhood movies. Usually, mostly, I understand that sometimes she can't hangout because she's busy with other stuff. Well, recently. Like God, church, Tom&Kathleen, school, and work. But for some reason this time I snapped. Out of no where. [of course. That seems to be my style nowadays.] This is what happened.
Darla: Oh, I can't I have to go home cuz tomorrow I'm helping kathleen with her house.
Me: Oh.
Darla: Yeah. We're gonna paint.
Me: *silent*
Then Frankie and Darla started talking and I just sat there.
and was for some reason very upset and depressed, and then I said to Darla "for some reason what you said made me really upset with you." she looked at me with a confused looked and asked why. and what she did. and I said "because you're going to Kathleens tomorrow instead...and it made me realize that soon after college you will be on your way out of this annoying part of life and you will be very busy and after a while we won't talk at all anymore. or very barely. you will be busy with God, work and then maybe marriage after a while and then kids and by that time we'll probably never talk again except every 4 years."

and then I said "...and I'll still be stuck here, like a bum. For the rest of my stupid life." and then she said "no you'll be something in life." then frankie says "a crack whore who uses crack everyday and night. hahahhahahaah" and I started laughing. and said "and sell my crackself on the street for a bauck!*buck [asian accent]*" and Darla tsked at me and was all "don't condone on it." then frankie made a funny joke and we laughed and then I started getting teary-eyed while I looked at my frankie whos 23, then i looked at my darla whos 19 gonna be 20 and I fast forward like 30 years and I won't be able to have these moments with my BEST friends. Who I love more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Who one day I won't be with ever again. So I started tearing up. and Frankie was staring at me and I started laughing and was all "stop! dont look at me right now!" I've never cried in front of Frankie. and I couldn't. So I got up and walked to the table and sat in the chair and sucked it up like I usually do. Then I lost my mind and stared off, until I saw Darla coming and tried to suck it up and act casual. But Darla always can see through. Then I tried to not ruin the fun with them and everything was fine till Frankie said "Well I gotta go, I have work tomorrow really early." and Darla said "me too I have to wake up early to go help Kathleen" and me I just sat there. I have no where to be, nothing to do except rot. and I got upset again. Realizing that everyone will be moving on and I will still be here. Nowhere.


THEN I realized... that the reason I get mad when Darla leaves me or isnt around to help me or whatever goes on sometimes is that Darla is my mother figure, and best friend. I just don't want to feel abandoned again. Darla is my mom in a way. I don't know how to let that go because I don't actually have a real mom helping me out like Darla and what am I gonna do when darla has to leave for real when she goes off to REAL college and work wherever and when she gets married and goes on her honeymoon or when she has kids. Who am I going to go to?