UPDATING!

So let me catch you up to date....
about 2 weeks ago, I got my baby kitten Benji, However I called him a her and named him Sookie because I thought it was a girl, then found out it was a boy. I came up with the name Benji cuz its part bengal and part tabby hence the benj+i. Lol.





hehehe. Anyways moving right a long...
Then I went to see Dillon because we officially broke up last month or so ago. [I broke up with him.] So anyways I went to his house to see him to see if I still felt anything, but because of my insecurities and feeling alone, I tried to make things better but then when I got there I saw hickeys on dillons neck and he told me they were from stacie, which made me feel sick cuz i hadnt seen him that whole time and he had hickeys. I never got hickeys...
so Idk then we talked and he started telling me that he wanted to sleep around to even make sure i was his "one" and i was all "OHHH YEAH OKAY SURE! GO RIGHT AHEAD!" yeah right! i was all um no wtf eff you GTFO of my car. and blah blah so we fought and then I tried to make it better still until I finally realized its just completely not working anymore, and this is probably us really being over. Because we both are unstable and insecure. mmmmmm not good.

so anyways I tell him that its ok and he can move on now if he likes and all of a sudden he doesnt want to and crap but im not gonna hold onto this anymore especially since I really like aaron anyways. So..

aaron. ^

So anyways I've been seeing aaron recently and talking to him quite a bit. :DDDD
I'll be going to a club called milk and honey tonight with mah bbyboy Frankie and then head over to aarons to seeeee the cute boy!!! :D
Excited!

earlier today I got a text...
It was from my dad...
Not gonna go into detail, it's private. Lol My life, my rules. Don't like it, Don't follow. Lol.

anyways I'm really tired. :(
waaaah

OMG I'm so obsessed!!

Lol. Ok so everyone and their moms have been saying for the past year that this show "True Blood" is SOOOO amazing and I remember I watched it one time and was all omg this is so gay. wth. and SO I decided to start it from the first episode and I thought it was dumb still so I figured I'd just keep watching maybe I'm judging it too fast. So I watched....and watched.....and watched... and finished ALL TWO SEASONS in 2 days. THAT'S how much I loved it. omg.

I really want this lip gloss. D:




Ahhhhhhh, He's so cute as a vampire. Even though hes olderrrrrrrr.... I think hes super hott!!!


and ERIC...something about him makes him... super hott too... omg. lmao.


>':] phew~

and then I realized that I got to see...

Anna Paquin naked... [aka Rouge from xmen.]


which was TMI...

and Lizzy Caplan.. she's really pretty...


...in the show.

and Danielle Sapia. ew.



and my favorite is Lafayette. Lmao hes so funny!

I WANT THIS OUTFIT SOOO BAD!!!

Moving to Washington in December.

I really can't stand living anymore. Especially living here. Honestly there is NO purpose for me here. So why should I even feel that I belong anymore?
So instead of going to THAT extent, I'm moving.
To Washington, with my grandma who actually cares and who ACTUALLY acts christian.
Maybe there I'll have time to think about how to become closer to God and let go of allll the hate I have stored inside for my stupid "father". It'll be VERY hard since I can't right now.
but I'm tired of being pushed around and talked to like dirt and walked all over, and stuff by my so-called "family" they think I am the one who is mean? Do they even go back later on and think "oh, I shouldnt have called amber a stupid ugly bitch whos just dirt and can go fuck herself." oh well. ^_^ no they dont. I have no REAL dad to love and support me NO MATTER WHAT, my mom just likes to walk out on me and ignore me when she's wrong and only wants to hear herself, and lets her stupid ugly no good boyfriend go and treat me like shit while my mom sits there like a fucking queen on her bitch throne.
Tired of not being able to get a job, or get into any classes at school, and not having a car. I'm tired of EVERYTHING in my life, that it's time I move and become someone else. For real this time.
That is all.

omg aaron..

i like aaron so much and i dont know what to do because darla says i shouldnt focus on boys right now which is true but i've always liked aaron so much since school. and like i even broke up with dillon a while back and told him i dont want to get back because i am leaving that space open for aaron. sigh. i dont think aaron likes me back though im weird and idk if he thinks we connect on the same level. but i like how i feel we're into alot of similar things and how he knows what i like and dont like already. its so cool! :D I'm crushing too too hard. sigh... shut up heart.

Do you know what it feels like to not be able to run away?

It's like being in a wheel chair on a freeway. Trying to dodge ALL the cars, and being slow. You can't run, or even push yourself fast enough to get out of the way.
That's exactly what it's like being at my house.
and I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of my mom taking advantage of me and then trying to pin me as the bad guy in front of people and my friends. and laughs about it. Like when we go to the store or my friends come over and she tries to act all superior and says stuff like "Hah. Well lets see you get anything out of me with what you just said." if I say something like "Sup homles!" just playing obviously. then when my friends backs are turned she makes hand gestures and face gestures telling me things like "fuck you you stupid bitch. shut the fuck up." or whatever and I'm tired of how everytime I have to talk to her, she just goes and says something completely different. Like if I was to say "Oh well I like hanging out with frankie cuz.." and then she cuts me off and goes "cuz he's probably going to kill you and you wont know cuz your dumb." and I'm all yeah that's exactly it.
or how when she's wrong she keeps trying to cut me off and then goes "I dont need to argue with you I know I'm right, and you're wrong. and you don't know anything cuz I took 4 years of college and am a professional and youre just a lazy scum who doesnt do anything with her life and dates losers." Yet thats her. it's not like she even knows 1 cent worth of Techonology which actually counts. I swear on my life I'm gonna make a machine that will put her out of a job so she can see how it feels to try so hard and then just always get pushed aside or pushed down and have someone go "well im better than you. :D"

SICKANDTIREDOFITALL.
ugh.

Tonight.

So tonight Frankie, Darla, and I were swimming in the spa, and I tell Darla that we should go back to my house and watch our childhood movies. Usually, mostly, I understand that sometimes she can't hangout because she's busy with other stuff. Well, recently. Like God, church, Tom&Kathleen, school, and work. But for some reason this time I snapped. Out of no where. [of course. That seems to be my style nowadays.] This is what happened.
Darla: Oh, I can't I have to go home cuz tomorrow I'm helping kathleen with her house.
Me: Oh.
Darla: Yeah. We're gonna paint.
Me: *silent*
Then Frankie and Darla started talking and I just sat there.
and was for some reason very upset and depressed, and then I said to Darla "for some reason what you said made me really upset with you." she looked at me with a confused looked and asked why. and what she did. and I said "because you're going to Kathleens tomorrow instead...and it made me realize that soon after college you will be on your way out of this annoying part of life and you will be very busy and after a while we won't talk at all anymore. or very barely. you will be busy with God, work and then maybe marriage after a while and then kids and by that time we'll probably never talk again except every 4 years."

and then I said "...and I'll still be stuck here, like a bum. For the rest of my stupid life." and then she said "no you'll be something in life." then frankie says "a crack whore who uses crack everyday and night. hahahhahahaah" and I started laughing. and said "and sell my crackself on the street for a bauck!*buck [asian accent]*" and Darla tsked at me and was all "don't condone on it." then frankie made a funny joke and we laughed and then I started getting teary-eyed while I looked at my frankie whos 23, then i looked at my darla whos 19 gonna be 20 and I fast forward like 30 years and I won't be able to have these moments with my BEST friends. Who I love more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Who one day I won't be with ever again. So I started tearing up. and Frankie was staring at me and I started laughing and was all "stop! dont look at me right now!" I've never cried in front of Frankie. and I couldn't. So I got up and walked to the table and sat in the chair and sucked it up like I usually do. Then I lost my mind and stared off, until I saw Darla coming and tried to suck it up and act casual. But Darla always can see through. Then I tried to not ruin the fun with them and everything was fine till Frankie said "Well I gotta go, I have work tomorrow really early." and Darla said "me too I have to wake up early to go help Kathleen" and me I just sat there. I have no where to be, nothing to do except rot. and I got upset again. Realizing that everyone will be moving on and I will still be here. Nowhere.


THEN I realized... that the reason I get mad when Darla leaves me or isnt around to help me or whatever goes on sometimes is that Darla is my mother figure, and best friend. I just don't want to feel abandoned again. Darla is my mom in a way. I don't know how to let that go because I don't actually have a real mom helping me out like Darla and what am I gonna do when darla has to leave for real when she goes off to REAL college and work wherever and when she gets married and goes on her honeymoon or when she has kids. Who am I going to go to?

Out of sight. Out of mind.

So recently, I feel that I've broken up with dillon for no reason and out of no where and that i did it to get closer to God and then we broke up and that was like far from it. I didn't get closer to God at all. I've gotten farther. With satan and him throwing cute korean guys at me! Damnnnnn youuu!!!! hahahhaah no but really like i feel like i've lost everything now, and gone more down than i thought was possible. like i already was downer than scum. now i have no morals or anything. I feel like somethings blocking my better judgment and my heart now. I feel like i'm going back into darkness. [lmao i'm the Riku from kingdom hearts.] but seriously. I have been doing so much and I dont even know what for. I'm acting like a sixteen year old again. Is it because I have no other stability and since I broke up with dillon I feel I'm open for breaking. I know I'm broken. Because something broke me. I can feel that somethings not right and somethings broken. How I fix it....I don't know.
My mind and heart have become shrouded by darkness and i have no way out that i can see. Like about the kyle thing... maybe I was trying to hit on him, maybe I knew we were too friendly and knew in the back of my mind that i could get with him. It's a good thing I still have some light in me and my mind and heart told me no. It's a good thing it responded at that time.
as for the korean guy.. nothing. no light. no sound. no better judgment that should have been there. i just let it happen.
as for the chris and parker thing... It's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend. I know I don't want one right now. So why did I even lead them on this much.
I know my purpose. To hurt the ones I care about because I need security and self worth probably. [thank you darla, thats what i was trying to get at. lol]
I feel like ever since that day david told me to shut up and told my mom she doesnt need to hear anything else and to just get up and leave with him, and she left. I feel like i'm just nothing. and realized i have been nothing for a long time now.
I honestly don't know what its like to have a real dad, or a real mom. Whats it like?
If you know, please. tell me.
thanks.

and last night.... my cousin came over with her bf. and out of no where i show her the inside of my bathing suit. [She's already seen the bathing suit when i didnt have it on.] so why would i show her again? in front of her bf? I dont even remember why I did that or whatever. I thought i was telling her about something..but i dont remember....everything i did this past month every day theres something new and then that older memory gets pushed out and i dont remember what happened or what i did to do something else. or whatever. hard to explain. nvm.
bye.

going to hangout with frankie.

FIRST DAY OF JAPANESE CLASS!!

So I realized I shouldn't be writing stuff about my PERSONAL PERSONAL life.... cuz other random people read it too.... Lol. Even though this is like my journal. anyways... Well today was my first day of japanese class! It was fun! but long and HOT! everyone was sweating and was like -_-' phew~ but I volunteered to say "Everyone, nice to meet you. I am amy nicole. Nice to meet you." in japanese I dont know what we have to say nice to meet you twice though... but ok! I did it and was not nervous and I even bowed like youre supposed to for respect. Cuz I'm used to it so it came natural and I felt PRO! PRO!!! PEE-ARE-OHHH! PURRROOO!! hahahahahah
anyways I had to buy japanese books [again, these new ones are like what, my 6th or more books in jap? lol.]
They were 30 dollars each! It came out to 63.00 flat. -_-
Ah, well. That's that. *charlie's grandpa's voice in charlie and the chocolate factory*



ANYWAYS! I'm so excited to learn this semester!!
FINALL I'll be able to be complete at reading my japanese and writing, and it wont be broken!! however I'm probably gonna take this class like 4 times just to make sure I got it down completely. NOW THAT'S DETERMINATION!! LOL.

and thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I saw Darla walking and was all :OOO and ran up to her screaming but she couldn't hear me cuz she was listening to music. -_- so I jumped in front of her and shes all :OOOO hahahah and then we walked to get pho' and I got chinese noodle!!! LOL and she got boba and we walked back! it was FUN!!!!!! We were being SO loud. or at least SHE was. lmao. hahahah

Peace!~

Parker time. :D

Hehe so tonight I picked up parker and we went and got sushi and then we saw District 9. Decided it was pretty boring until the end basically. and then we got the heck out of there. lol. and went back to my house. [this whole time i had a freaking killer headache. omg.]
and thennnn we chilled like ice cubes at my house. :D

FINALLY GOT MY TWILIGHT BB DAKOTA JACKET!!!

SEE SEE SEEE?!?!?!?!?!?


Sooo happy!!

Giving up my life.

Do you know what its like,
Do you have any idea?
The kind of torture that goes on in this place?
How sick it makes me,
to have to let it hit at my heart,
make a hole through my soul.
The pain I have to endure,
to feel some kind of security.
Nowhere to run,
just give me a gun.
I'd shoot this pain out,
Trust me I won't shout.
To finally have peace from the pain deep inside of my body.
Because of this pain I have to endure,
I am ripped apart inside and out,
having no life about me,
and going on without whining.
Tragedy struck, in the mind of a mutt.
Alone, and in pain is like having no name.
and No name is my name, and it's caused me great shame.
Blood drips from the body of which I once had,
Looking down at myself in a most horrible place.
I am happy now, not having to run.
Thank you, oh thank you for giving me the gun.

Taste the Kiss.

When all this pain I feel is simply just a way to kill,
the emptiness I underestimated from past things i couldn't reveal.
How broken you noticed I was like a porcelain doll,
How easy it was for me to fall,
into the darkest pit you called your heart,
The escape from reality, it was just too smart.
A cover. No, more like a mask.
My tragedy was here at last.
Simple and yet so divine,
you let me go, you let me unwind.
Spiraling downwards, feeling numb,
I just let go I felt release.




ew idk about that last part.
edit it later. too tired. ;]

So this is the wedding ring..

that I want for my wedding..
I know its only 500 bucks instead of like $876,543,456.00 lol but its as beautiful as heaven.

I don't need an expensive ring this one is gorgeous...
its mesmerizing..
Made in Great Britain from Pure Solid 9ct English Gold. Pure Garnet and opal.

Things I like.

Favorites in General.
-----------------------

Juice: Cranberry Raspberry
Soda: Pepsi, or Coke
Water: Fiji or Dasani
Tea: Arizona Raspberry Iced Tea, jasmine tea, or milk tea. :] mmmm
Cookies: Oreo
Cereal: Life cereal, and Fruity Pebbles.
Movie: Slumdog Millionaire, Sweeney Todd, Chicago, and Moulin Rouge.
Books: The whole Twilight Saga, The whole Harry Potter saga, a wrinkle in time, I love books, I love to read. Fiction mostly though. Obviously. Lol.
Chips: Sun chips, or hot Cheetos's.
Weight: 120-125
Color: I like blood red, but I like a lot of colors, I don't have a favorite I realized. I like every color. So I guess the rainbow. I don't have to be GAY to like the rainbow. :]
Fast food: Taco Bell, or Carls Jr.
Restaurant: Casa Del Ray, and Little Tokyo.
Car: Scion TC in white, or the Lambo in white.
Music: Dead Poetic, Anberlin, Saosin, Paramore, No Doubt, Demi Lovato, The Blood Brothers or aka Jaguar Love, [ALL] japanese music, and [All] korean music. <3
Shows: The Misadventures of Flapjack.
Fictional character: Edward Cullen. <3
Video game: Chrono Cross, Legend of Zelda, Parasite Eve, kingdom hearts, All the final fantasys.
Song: Utada Hikaru- Beautiful World
Place: Japan, London
Shoes: Slip on.
Anime: Tokyo Mew Mew, Azumanga Daioh
Kdrama: Full House, Boys before flowers
Kstar: Bi Rain [Jeong ji-hoon]<3
American Actor: Robert Pattinson
American Actress: Keira Knightly, Helena Bonham Carter, Rachel McAdams.
Designer: Besty Johnson
Phone: Sidekick LX 09, in orchid.
Month: October, and November.
Day: November 15th. Idk why.
Year: I really like all the way from the 20's to the 80's. :D
Composers: I really like Claude Debussy, and Yiruma. I love classical dark piano a lot, so theres more, and if you know any, tell me!

I have too many favorites, I'll post more later.

CHICAGO, is a new favorite movie.

This is the best idea and choreography I feel like, in the world.





This is the best song in the movie also.

Where to find help when bitter or critical...

I CORINTHIANS 13.
-----
Thought I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clang cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy;love does not parade itself, is not puffed up.
Does not behave rudely, does not seek it's own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.



If you did not understand, He's saying that no matter what you have or do or become, or anything, if you don't have or know what love is, none of it will matter. You can do the kindest stuff but you have no love, it wont count.
also how hes trying to give an example about how when children are little they know not so much and they understand only what their brains can comprehend. But as we get older, we realize more, and grow more.
I really liked this chapter. =]
I thought I'd share it with you guys.

I really want this bracelet

it's driving me insane. ='[



It sucks cuz I wanna go out and make it myself, but I want my bf to think of it so it's more special. Lol....it won't happen. I'll just go with him so I know what I want. =]

ohohohoh and I want a better carved wooden wolf.
Like this basically.

or sitting up, howling.

Loud Thoughts

My thoughts are loud tonight.
Like silence yelling through the night.
Cold and dead, yet so alive in my head.
Screaming voices telling me,
Should I tell him?
Should I set him free?
And what if there not be waiting for me,
the happiness I seek,
and how I long for thee.
How can I ever know
what it means to truly be,
when all of this is new to me.
How can I find myself in all this dark?
There has to be traces,
there has to be marks.
Nothing makes much sense to me,
but how can it? I'm too blind to see.
My thoughts are loud tonight.
Like silence yelling through the night.
Cold and dead, but for now I'll escape them and not let it spread.






[I'm obviously not that great of a song writer. Lol
but it says to write songs no matter what, and when you start to write a lot you'll finally get some good stuff. So thats what I'm doing. =] ]

In progress.... [kinda iffy]

My condolences, I didnt see.
The part of you that was in me.
How easy you find me to be,
so fragile yet so hard to see.
I'm absolutely ordinary.
Truly now you never knew,
how skeptic everything was to you.
So deep, so tragic
Yet you kept me alive.
Damned if I were to be,
the last one alone on earth with thee,
Living not amongst the dead,
living with these thoughts in my head.
Burning in my throat,
Hold me tight, I might choke.

No one else can bind me so close
to the cold dead host, with no heart to beat.
Careful, Trying not to kill,
you whisper to me "please stay still"
Breathing me in, and letting me go.
Is my scent not enough for you?
Can you do it? Can you pull through?




[Of course when I wrote this, I started thinking of twilight. Lol..]

So I havent been posting lately...

because stupid Twitter is like my new blog. Lol.
but yeah just a lot of stuff has been going on I guess. I guess right now all I need is a cute cuddly friend I can pet and tell everything to and go to sleep next to it every night and wake up every morning and play with it. Since I have nothing else to do now, why not? You know?
I wish I could stumble upon a job somewhere . I REALLY need one. =[
So I can have this..





=[[
but yeah anyways, I've just been bored with life. Not really much to do and no car so yeah.

I hate having nothing to do every night now. And no one to talk to anymore.

i got my angelgotchi!!!

and I got my new phone and I got a cute phone charm for it! =DD









and some yummy milk tea.

My Tamagotchi's, and my Talking Nano Baby.

I guess my Talking Nano Baby is rare because I tried to find it on google and on ebay and no one has it.... even the color and shape of the different talking nano babys arent the same as mine so I guess mine is the rarest. Lol.
=]

here are my babies,






until I can find my other tamagotchi's, and my digivice that looks like this.

It was so fun I need to find them alll....... =[

ANGELGOTCHI!!!

I just bought the last one on ebay!!!!!!!
Angelgotchi is a tamagotchi back from 1997, ONLY SOLD IN JAPAN.
and they are SUPER rare now, and I just found 4 Angelgotchi's on ebay..
1 pink, 1 blue, 1 silver, and 1 white (but it looks gold)
THE LAST OF THE ANGELGOTCHI'S!
and I just bought the pink one!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so excited to get it omgomgomgomgomgomgomgogmomg.
I'm freaking out!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah they're expensiveeee on ebay, and anywhere actually. I searched for the old tamagotchis and the nano pets and they're like 40 bucks each. deng.
My Angelgotchi was 28.99 and I thought it was the cheapest and cutest and my birthday is coming up because it's on the 25th!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and so I decided to get that one and then I saw that the shipping price is 8.00 and I was like damn it! >=[
and so it came out to $36.99 and I'm all crap.........but I reaaaaaaaaaally want it....
and I have 135 bucks in the bank so I decided to but it... idk if my moms gonna get upset. she probably will but I made money so I'll give her the money I made. Lol.

it should be more than 36 bucks so that's ok.
but here is the pic of the one I bought. It's all in japanese!! which is cool cuz theyre the easy japanese characters so I can read it!! yay!!!



here's what it looks like up close..


HEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!

I want these shoes. Lol