I really can't stand living anymore. Especially living here. Honestly there is NO purpose for me here. So why should I even feel that I belong anymore?
So instead of going to THAT extent, I'm moving.
To Washington, with my grandma who actually cares and who ACTUALLY acts christian.
Maybe there I'll have time to think about how to become closer to God and let go of allll the hate I have stored inside for my stupid "father". It'll be VERY hard since I can't right now.
but I'm tired of being pushed around and talked to like dirt and walked all over, and stuff by my so-called "family" they think I am the one who is mean? Do they even go back later on and think "oh, I shouldnt have called amber a stupid ugly bitch whos just dirt and can go fuck herself." oh well. ^_^ no they dont. I have no REAL dad to love and support me NO MATTER WHAT, my mom just likes to walk out on me and ignore me when she's wrong and only wants to hear herself, and lets her stupid ugly no good boyfriend go and treat me like shit while my mom sits there like a fucking queen on her bitch throne.
Tired of not being able to get a job, or get into any classes at school, and not having a car. I'm tired of EVERYTHING in my life, that it's time I move and become someone else. For real this time.
That is all.
Monday, August 31, 2009
omg aaron..
i like aaron so much and i dont know what to do because darla says i shouldnt focus on boys right now which is true but i've always liked aaron so much since school. and like i even broke up with dillon a while back and told him i dont want to get back because i am leaving that space open for aaron. sigh. i dont think aaron likes me back though im weird and idk if he thinks we connect on the same level. but i like how i feel we're into alot of similar things and how he knows what i like and dont like already. its so cool! :D I'm crushing too too hard. sigh... shut up heart.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Do you know what it feels like to not be able to run away?
It's like being in a wheel chair on a freeway. Trying to dodge ALL the cars, and being slow. You can't run, or even push yourself fast enough to get out of the way.
That's exactly what it's like being at my house.
and I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of my mom taking advantage of me and then trying to pin me as the bad guy in front of people and my friends. and laughs about it. Like when we go to the store or my friends come over and she tries to act all superior and says stuff like "Hah. Well lets see you get anything out of me with what you just said." if I say something like "Sup homles!" just playing obviously. then when my friends backs are turned she makes hand gestures and face gestures telling me things like "fuck you you stupid bitch. shut the fuck up." or whatever and I'm tired of how everytime I have to talk to her, she just goes and says something completely different. Like if I was to say "Oh well I like hanging out with frankie cuz.." and then she cuts me off and goes "cuz he's probably going to kill you and you wont know cuz your dumb." and I'm all yeah that's exactly it.
or how when she's wrong she keeps trying to cut me off and then goes "I dont need to argue with you I know I'm right, and you're wrong. and you don't know anything cuz I took 4 years of college and am a professional and youre just a lazy scum who doesnt do anything with her life and dates losers." Yet thats her. it's not like she even knows 1 cent worth of Techonology which actually counts. I swear on my life I'm gonna make a machine that will put her out of a job so she can see how it feels to try so hard and then just always get pushed aside or pushed down and have someone go "well im better than you. :D"
SICKANDTIREDOFITALL.
ugh.
That's exactly what it's like being at my house.
and I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of my mom taking advantage of me and then trying to pin me as the bad guy in front of people and my friends. and laughs about it. Like when we go to the store or my friends come over and she tries to act all superior and says stuff like "Hah. Well lets see you get anything out of me with what you just said." if I say something like "Sup homles!" just playing obviously. then when my friends backs are turned she makes hand gestures and face gestures telling me things like "fuck you you stupid bitch. shut the fuck up." or whatever and I'm tired of how everytime I have to talk to her, she just goes and says something completely different. Like if I was to say "Oh well I like hanging out with frankie cuz.." and then she cuts me off and goes "cuz he's probably going to kill you and you wont know cuz your dumb." and I'm all yeah that's exactly it.
or how when she's wrong she keeps trying to cut me off and then goes "I dont need to argue with you I know I'm right, and you're wrong. and you don't know anything cuz I took 4 years of college and am a professional and youre just a lazy scum who doesnt do anything with her life and dates losers." Yet thats her. it's not like she even knows 1 cent worth of Techonology which actually counts. I swear on my life I'm gonna make a machine that will put her out of a job so she can see how it feels to try so hard and then just always get pushed aside or pushed down and have someone go "well im better than you. :D"
SICKANDTIREDOFITALL.
ugh.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Tonight.
So tonight Frankie, Darla, and I were swimming in the spa, and I tell Darla that we should go back to my house and watch our childhood movies. Usually, mostly, I understand that sometimes she can't hangout because she's busy with other stuff. Well, recently. Like God, church, Tom&Kathleen, school, and work. But for some reason this time I snapped. Out of no where. [of course. That seems to be my style nowadays.] This is what happened.
Darla: Oh, I can't I have to go home cuz tomorrow I'm helping kathleen with her house.
Me: Oh.
Darla: Yeah. We're gonna paint.
Me: *silent*
Then Frankie and Darla started talking and I just sat there.
and was for some reason very upset and depressed, and then I said to Darla "for some reason what you said made me really upset with you." she looked at me with a confused looked and asked why. and what she did. and I said "because you're going to Kathleens tomorrow instead...and it made me realize that soon after college you will be on your way out of this annoying part of life and you will be very busy and after a while we won't talk at all anymore. or very barely. you will be busy with God, work and then maybe marriage after a while and then kids and by that time we'll probably never talk again except every 4 years."
and then I said "...and I'll still be stuck here, like a bum. For the rest of my stupid life." and then she said "no you'll be something in life." then frankie says "a crack whore who uses crack everyday and night. hahahhahahaah" and I started laughing. and said "and sell my crackself on the street for a bauck!*buck [asian accent]*" and Darla tsked at me and was all "don't condone on it." then frankie made a funny joke and we laughed and then I started getting teary-eyed while I looked at my frankie whos 23, then i looked at my darla whos 19 gonna be 20 and I fast forward like 30 years and I won't be able to have these moments with my BEST friends. Who I love more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Who one day I won't be with ever again. So I started tearing up. and Frankie was staring at me and I started laughing and was all "stop! dont look at me right now!" I've never cried in front of Frankie. and I couldn't. So I got up and walked to the table and sat in the chair and sucked it up like I usually do. Then I lost my mind and stared off, until I saw Darla coming and tried to suck it up and act casual. But Darla always can see through. Then I tried to not ruin the fun with them and everything was fine till Frankie said "Well I gotta go, I have work tomorrow really early." and Darla said "me too I have to wake up early to go help Kathleen" and me I just sat there. I have no where to be, nothing to do except rot. and I got upset again. Realizing that everyone will be moving on and I will still be here. Nowhere.
THEN I realized... that the reason I get mad when Darla leaves me or isnt around to help me or whatever goes on sometimes is that Darla is my mother figure, and best friend. I just don't want to feel abandoned again. Darla is my mom in a way. I don't know how to let that go because I don't actually have a real mom helping me out like Darla and what am I gonna do when darla has to leave for real when she goes off to REAL college and work wherever and when she gets married and goes on her honeymoon or when she has kids. Who am I going to go to?
Darla: Oh, I can't I have to go home cuz tomorrow I'm helping kathleen with her house.
Me: Oh.
Darla: Yeah. We're gonna paint.
Me: *silent*
Then Frankie and Darla started talking and I just sat there.
and was for some reason very upset and depressed, and then I said to Darla "for some reason what you said made me really upset with you." she looked at me with a confused looked and asked why. and what she did. and I said "because you're going to Kathleens tomorrow instead...and it made me realize that soon after college you will be on your way out of this annoying part of life and you will be very busy and after a while we won't talk at all anymore. or very barely. you will be busy with God, work and then maybe marriage after a while and then kids and by that time we'll probably never talk again except every 4 years."
and then I said "...and I'll still be stuck here, like a bum. For the rest of my stupid life." and then she said "no you'll be something in life." then frankie says "a crack whore who uses crack everyday and night. hahahhahahaah" and I started laughing. and said "and sell my crackself on the street for a bauck!*buck [asian accent]*" and Darla tsked at me and was all "don't condone on it." then frankie made a funny joke and we laughed and then I started getting teary-eyed while I looked at my frankie whos 23, then i looked at my darla whos 19 gonna be 20 and I fast forward like 30 years and I won't be able to have these moments with my BEST friends. Who I love more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Who one day I won't be with ever again. So I started tearing up. and Frankie was staring at me and I started laughing and was all "stop! dont look at me right now!" I've never cried in front of Frankie. and I couldn't. So I got up and walked to the table and sat in the chair and sucked it up like I usually do. Then I lost my mind and stared off, until I saw Darla coming and tried to suck it up and act casual. But Darla always can see through. Then I tried to not ruin the fun with them and everything was fine till Frankie said "Well I gotta go, I have work tomorrow really early." and Darla said "me too I have to wake up early to go help Kathleen" and me I just sat there. I have no where to be, nothing to do except rot. and I got upset again. Realizing that everyone will be moving on and I will still be here. Nowhere.
THEN I realized... that the reason I get mad when Darla leaves me or isnt around to help me or whatever goes on sometimes is that Darla is my mother figure, and best friend. I just don't want to feel abandoned again. Darla is my mom in a way. I don't know how to let that go because I don't actually have a real mom helping me out like Darla and what am I gonna do when darla has to leave for real when she goes off to REAL college and work wherever and when she gets married and goes on her honeymoon or when she has kids. Who am I going to go to?
Friday, August 28, 2009
Out of sight. Out of mind.
So recently, I feel that I've broken up with dillon for no reason and out of no where and that i did it to get closer to God and then we broke up and that was like far from it. I didn't get closer to God at all. I've gotten farther. With satan and him throwing cute korean guys at me! Damnnnnn youuu!!!! hahahhaah no but really like i feel like i've lost everything now, and gone more down than i thought was possible. like i already was downer than scum. now i have no morals or anything. I feel like somethings blocking my better judgment and my heart now. I feel like i'm going back into darkness. [lmao i'm the Riku from kingdom hearts.] but seriously. I have been doing so much and I dont even know what for. I'm acting like a sixteen year old again. Is it because I have no other stability and since I broke up with dillon I feel I'm open for breaking. I know I'm broken. Because something broke me. I can feel that somethings not right and somethings broken. How I fix it....I don't know.
My mind and heart have become shrouded by darkness and i have no way out that i can see. Like about the kyle thing... maybe I was trying to hit on him, maybe I knew we were too friendly and knew in the back of my mind that i could get with him. It's a good thing I still have some light in me and my mind and heart told me no. It's a good thing it responded at that time.
as for the korean guy.. nothing. no light. no sound. no better judgment that should have been there. i just let it happen.
as for the chris and parker thing... It's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend. I know I don't want one right now. So why did I even lead them on this much.
I know my purpose. To hurt the ones I care about because I need security and self worth probably. [thank you darla, thats what i was trying to get at. lol]
I feel like ever since that day david told me to shut up and told my mom she doesnt need to hear anything else and to just get up and leave with him, and she left. I feel like i'm just nothing. and realized i have been nothing for a long time now.
I honestly don't know what its like to have a real dad, or a real mom. Whats it like?
If you know, please. tell me.
thanks.
and last night.... my cousin came over with her bf. and out of no where i show her the inside of my bathing suit. [She's already seen the bathing suit when i didnt have it on.] so why would i show her again? in front of her bf? I dont even remember why I did that or whatever. I thought i was telling her about something..but i dont remember....everything i did this past month every day theres something new and then that older memory gets pushed out and i dont remember what happened or what i did to do something else. or whatever. hard to explain. nvm.
bye.
going to hangout with frankie.
My mind and heart have become shrouded by darkness and i have no way out that i can see. Like about the kyle thing... maybe I was trying to hit on him, maybe I knew we were too friendly and knew in the back of my mind that i could get with him. It's a good thing I still have some light in me and my mind and heart told me no. It's a good thing it responded at that time.
as for the korean guy.. nothing. no light. no sound. no better judgment that should have been there. i just let it happen.
as for the chris and parker thing... It's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend. I know I don't want one right now. So why did I even lead them on this much.
I know my purpose. To hurt the ones I care about because I need security and self worth probably. [thank you darla, thats what i was trying to get at. lol]
I feel like ever since that day david told me to shut up and told my mom she doesnt need to hear anything else and to just get up and leave with him, and she left. I feel like i'm just nothing. and realized i have been nothing for a long time now.
I honestly don't know what its like to have a real dad, or a real mom. Whats it like?
If you know, please. tell me.
thanks.
and last night.... my cousin came over with her bf. and out of no where i show her the inside of my bathing suit. [She's already seen the bathing suit when i didnt have it on.] so why would i show her again? in front of her bf? I dont even remember why I did that or whatever. I thought i was telling her about something..but i dont remember....everything i did this past month every day theres something new and then that older memory gets pushed out and i dont remember what happened or what i did to do something else. or whatever. hard to explain. nvm.
bye.
going to hangout with frankie.
Monday, August 24, 2009
FIRST DAY OF JAPANESE CLASS!!
So I realized I shouldn't be writing stuff about my PERSONAL PERSONAL life.... cuz other random people read it too.... Lol. Even though this is like my journal. anyways... Well today was my first day of japanese class! It was fun! but long and HOT! everyone was sweating and was like -_-' phew~ but I volunteered to say "Everyone, nice to meet you. I am amy nicole. Nice to meet you." in japanese I dont know what we have to say nice to meet you twice though... but ok! I did it and was not nervous and I even bowed like youre supposed to for respect. Cuz I'm used to it so it came natural and I felt PRO! PRO!!! PEE-ARE-OHHH! PURRROOO!! hahahahahah
anyways I had to buy japanese books [again, these new ones are like what, my 6th or more books in jap? lol.]
They were 30 dollars each! It came out to 63.00 flat. -_-
Ah, well. That's that. *charlie's grandpa's voice in charlie and the chocolate factory*
ANYWAYS! I'm so excited to learn this semester!!
FINALL I'll be able to be complete at reading my japanese and writing, and it wont be broken!! however I'm probably gonna take this class like 4 times just to make sure I got it down completely. NOW THAT'S DETERMINATION!! LOL.
and thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I saw Darla walking and was all :OOO and ran up to her screaming but she couldn't hear me cuz she was listening to music. -_- so I jumped in front of her and shes all :OOOO hahahah and then we walked to get pho' and I got chinese noodle!!! LOL and she got boba and we walked back! it was FUN!!!!!! We were being SO loud. or at least SHE was. lmao. hahahah
Peace!~
anyways I had to buy japanese books [again, these new ones are like what, my 6th or more books in jap? lol.]
They were 30 dollars each! It came out to 63.00 flat. -_-
Ah, well. That's that. *charlie's grandpa's voice in charlie and the chocolate factory*
ANYWAYS! I'm so excited to learn this semester!!
FINALL I'll be able to be complete at reading my japanese and writing, and it wont be broken!! however I'm probably gonna take this class like 4 times just to make sure I got it down completely. NOW THAT'S DETERMINATION!! LOL.
and thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I saw Darla walking and was all :OOO and ran up to her screaming but she couldn't hear me cuz she was listening to music. -_- so I jumped in front of her and shes all :OOOO hahahah and then we walked to get pho' and I got chinese noodle!!! LOL and she got boba and we walked back! it was FUN!!!!!! We were being SO loud. or at least SHE was. lmao. hahahah
Peace!~
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Parker time. :D
Hehe so tonight I picked up parker and we went and got sushi and then we saw District 9. Decided it was pretty boring until the end basically. and then we got the heck out of there. lol. and went back to my house. [this whole time i had a freaking killer headache. omg.]
and thennnn we chilled like ice cubes at my house. :D
and thennnn we chilled like ice cubes at my house. :D
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Giving up my life.
Do you know what its like,
Do you have any idea?
The kind of torture that goes on in this place?
How sick it makes me,
to have to let it hit at my heart,
make a hole through my soul.
The pain I have to endure,
to feel some kind of security.
Nowhere to run,
just give me a gun.
I'd shoot this pain out,
Trust me I won't shout.
To finally have peace from the pain deep inside of my body.
Because of this pain I have to endure,
I am ripped apart inside and out,
having no life about me,
and going on without whining.
Tragedy struck, in the mind of a mutt.
Alone, and in pain is like having no name.
and No name is my name, and it's caused me great shame.
Blood drips from the body of which I once had,
Looking down at myself in a most horrible place.
I am happy now, not having to run.
Thank you, oh thank you for giving me the gun.
Do you have any idea?
The kind of torture that goes on in this place?
How sick it makes me,
to have to let it hit at my heart,
make a hole through my soul.
The pain I have to endure,
to feel some kind of security.
Nowhere to run,
just give me a gun.
I'd shoot this pain out,
Trust me I won't shout.
To finally have peace from the pain deep inside of my body.
Because of this pain I have to endure,
I am ripped apart inside and out,
having no life about me,
and going on without whining.
Tragedy struck, in the mind of a mutt.
Alone, and in pain is like having no name.
and No name is my name, and it's caused me great shame.
Blood drips from the body of which I once had,
Looking down at myself in a most horrible place.
I am happy now, not having to run.
Thank you, oh thank you for giving me the gun.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Taste the Kiss.
When all this pain I feel is simply just a way to kill,
the emptiness I underestimated from past things i couldn't reveal.
How broken you noticed I was like a porcelain doll,
How easy it was for me to fall,
into the darkest pit you called your heart,
The escape from reality, it was just too smart.
A cover. No, more like a mask.
My tragedy was here at last.
Simple and yet so divine,
you let me go, you let me unwind.
Spiraling downwards, feeling numb,
I just let go I felt release.
ew idk about that last part.
edit it later. too tired. ;]
the emptiness I underestimated from past things i couldn't reveal.
How broken you noticed I was like a porcelain doll,
How easy it was for me to fall,
into the darkest pit you called your heart,
The escape from reality, it was just too smart.
A cover. No, more like a mask.
My tragedy was here at last.
Simple and yet so divine,
you let me go, you let me unwind.
Spiraling downwards, feeling numb,
I just let go I felt release.
ew idk about that last part.
edit it later. too tired. ;]
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