Out of sight. Out of mind.

So recently, I feel that I've broken up with dillon for no reason and out of no where and that i did it to get closer to God and then we broke up and that was like far from it. I didn't get closer to God at all. I've gotten farther. With satan and him throwing cute korean guys at me! Damnnnnn youuu!!!! hahahhaah no but really like i feel like i've lost everything now, and gone more down than i thought was possible. like i already was downer than scum. now i have no morals or anything. I feel like somethings blocking my better judgment and my heart now. I feel like i'm going back into darkness. [lmao i'm the Riku from kingdom hearts.] but seriously. I have been doing so much and I dont even know what for. I'm acting like a sixteen year old again. Is it because I have no other stability and since I broke up with dillon I feel I'm open for breaking. I know I'm broken. Because something broke me. I can feel that somethings not right and somethings broken. How I fix it....I don't know.
My mind and heart have become shrouded by darkness and i have no way out that i can see. Like about the kyle thing... maybe I was trying to hit on him, maybe I knew we were too friendly and knew in the back of my mind that i could get with him. It's a good thing I still have some light in me and my mind and heart told me no. It's a good thing it responded at that time.
as for the korean guy.. nothing. no light. no sound. no better judgment that should have been there. i just let it happen.
as for the chris and parker thing... It's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend. I know I don't want one right now. So why did I even lead them on this much.
I know my purpose. To hurt the ones I care about because I need security and self worth probably. [thank you darla, thats what i was trying to get at. lol]
I feel like ever since that day david told me to shut up and told my mom she doesnt need to hear anything else and to just get up and leave with him, and she left. I feel like i'm just nothing. and realized i have been nothing for a long time now.
I honestly don't know what its like to have a real dad, or a real mom. Whats it like?
If you know, please. tell me.
thanks.

and last night.... my cousin came over with her bf. and out of no where i show her the inside of my bathing suit. [She's already seen the bathing suit when i didnt have it on.] so why would i show her again? in front of her bf? I dont even remember why I did that or whatever. I thought i was telling her about something..but i dont remember....everything i did this past month every day theres something new and then that older memory gets pushed out and i dont remember what happened or what i did to do something else. or whatever. hard to explain. nvm.
bye.

going to hangout with frankie.